THE WAIT.

I don't know, maybe I'm just overthinking. Suddenly it feels like the wait isn't as lovely as it used to be, and I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it.

Long time no blog, I know! So many things have happened over the past six months, and I don't even know where to start. I'm two weeks and two days into the new year, and truth be told, all the relevant things that have happened to me have all happened in the time I was "gone". I had a very interesting six months, no day was the same as the one before, and everything moved so quickly, almost to a point that I seriously wondered if I could keep up. Still, as far as everything Dentistry is related, I'd like to think that things fell into place when I needed them to, and everything was worth the wait. Oh how I wish I could say the same for other facets of my life.

I liked him from the second I saw what his face looked like. I knew he'd be quite attractive, but I didn't realize that he'd be that attractive. No wait, #realtalk-- I actually thought he'd be old. For quite some time, he was pretty much just an identity that I had never even bothered to put a face on, and whom I'd sporadically hear about in passing, usually over dinner. I can't describe how exactly he went from just someone within a few degrees of separation to someone I actually wanted to get to know, and the more I think about it, I'm not sure if I'll ever even be able to. Of course, the Murphy Law of Love is strong in me (as it had always been), and as expected, the guy I had fallen for hadn't fallen for me. The bonus there is that he's actually unavailable-- his feelings are with someone else.

I've always felt that I'm the type of person who has a lot of love to give. I've always thought that I'd fare well in relationships, but since the future is looking a little bit bleak, I think it's time to figure out ways to get over my failure to incorporate romantic love into my life. I might have to accept that it won't happen for me, and I'm going to have to be okay with that. I'll admit that it's a little bit painful having to accept my new reality, and I'm honestly quite scared of having to navigate the next decades of my life all alone, with nobody to come home to at night to tell me that everything will be all right.

I think as far as concrete situations go, my most excruciating test of patience was waiting for the list of passers for the written phase of the Dentist Licensure Exam. Now why can't waiting for love to fall on me be more like waiting for licensure exam results? You've passed if you're on the list, you've failed if you aren't-- it's as simple as that. In both outcomes, the next steps are very clear. A pass would mean that you'll have to prepare for the next phase, and a failure would mean having to prepare to take the test again in the next season-- but when you're waiting for love, there are too many possibilities, with each possibility comes its own set of possibilities; and that's if you have something coming your way. There's also no way to find out if there's something also waiting to be yours, or if you're just waiting in vain. Everybody wants to love, everybody wants to be loved. I feel like I've been waiting all my life to fall in love. I've been a long believer of the best things always being worth the wait, but right now, the wait doesn't feel so worthwhile. I don't know, maybe.