CLOSURE.

"So it's been, what, ten years?" "No, eight. We saw each other at the mall once." A few days ago, I had to hang up my invisible Queen Catharsis sash in favor of something a little bit more appropriate-- CLOSURE. Actual closure.

I don't know closure started becoming everyone's enemy. I've been reading a lot of quotes and essays about how closure is a joke, how closure is overrated, and how closure is just an excuse we keep telling ourselves just to rekindle the past. Fortunately for me, I didn't believe any of that. I wasn't exactly sure what my objective was in wanting my closure. I just had a feeling that the reason I can't progress romantically is that there's something in my past that was left unresolved. I just knew that I wanted it, and I just knew that I needed it.. and when your gut feeling is that determined, you need to go. He was the same, yet so different, but still the same, though very different-- okay, you get it. He still had a thing for using words that average people don't use on a regular basis. I expressed concern over the fact that he had gotten leaner compared to the pictures I had seen of him from a few months ago, but he said that he had a physical the day before, and that everything was okay. As difficult as it is for me to admit this but, at the back of mind mind, I kind of wondered what he thought of me. It's been ten, no eight, years after all.

I was so proud of the man sitting in front of me. We were each other's first relationships. We met the butterflies at the same time, juggling teen angst among other things. Everything that was delicate and innocent about me, he protected, and didn't even think to adulterate-- even if we lived in an environment where it was too easy to grow up too fast. Now, he's saving the world, one paragraph at a time. He's helping society improve the best way he knows how. He's tirelessly, selflessly and fearlessly working to help people seek the truth. For that, I couldn't be any more proud. He showed so much promise, even when we were young. He was the achieving type, while I was.. Someone who always

had something to prove, while never really being sure what it was.

I remember that there were times when I'd just sit beside him, just watching him, thinking, "If I'd be stuck with this guy for the rest of my life, I'd eventually get used to it, and I'd be proud just watching him." -- I actually told him about that, but what I failed to mention was that back then, I also told myself that if that were to happen, I'd love him more and more as each day would pass. I hated it back then, but looking back, I think that was just our thing. Him being him, and me being me.. And me, giggling, while forcing him to smile. It was difficult telling him how I've been. I wish my stories didn't have a few painful paragraphs about all the mistakes I've made, the people I've stopped talking to, and all the things I could have done differently. It felt weird allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of someone whom I haven't talked to in ten years, but this man loved me once upon a time. If I couldn't trust him, then who could I trust? You know, it's interesting. I sought my closure exactly a week before he's set out to move back to the United States, and I'm posting this on the day he flies out (actually, at the moment, he's probably somewhere over Europe). He's not here, and I've finally learned what it's like to completely let go-- No more having him at the back of my mind, no more wishing that we were back together, and no more what ifs. All that's left is a renewed willingness to be the best person I can be, so that I could give justice to the sacrifice I made ten years ago when I broke up with him in order to grow. He told me that he hopes that I'd find my true happiness, and that it was the only thing he could ask for. I wasn't the perfect girlfriend-- and even when we were at our exes-turned-friends stage, I wasn't the best either, but if someone who, in theory, should be indifferent to me, still wants the best for me, then I guess I must have done something right. The day ended with me writing a thank you note on a pineapple print sticky-note. There really wasn't anything else left for me to feel but gratitude, because if to live is to love, then he started my life. That night, I slept like a baby. It was the first time in about two and a half months.

#love #closure #highschoolsweetheart