I LOOK DIFFERENT!

Let me tell you about the first time a guy told me that I was beautiful-- When I was 16/17, I had a guy in my life. Whatever it was, it didn't last very long. About two years later, I was walking at Landmark, from Greenbelt to Glorietta on the way to meet my former ACP flightmates, when I heard a familiar voice talking on his cell phone-- and yes, it was him. It was the guy. I grabbed him by the shoulder, and when he saw me, it almost looked like he was buffering. He looked at me, and said, "You look different.. and by different, I mean beautiful.", we hugged, took a picture, and then I let him go, because he was on his way to meet his grandfather for a meal (oh by the way, I really admire the cohesion in that family. I've only met his sister and his stepmom, but you can just tell when people are brought up in loving environments). Up until that day, he never called me beautiful. He called me pretty a few times, but that was the first time he called me beautiful. And it felt great. I remember being very insecure about my looks, quite early in life. No, it's not that I was blatantly told that I was ugly as a child, it's not like that at all. It was more like.. I just didn't feel pretty. My teenage years were quite difficult, because puberty was basically a nightmare for me-- fatness, acne, general awkwardness, teenage angst-- you name it, I had it! ..and the fact that I had some sort of an extended puberty didn't help also. I feel like my puberty ended at 21, rather than the average 19 for females. I guess what I'm trying to say just boils down the fact that appearance-wise, self-esteem was just difficult for me to achieve. I'd like to think that as far as looks are concerned, I somehow a.) grew into my looks and broke out of the ugly duckling stage, b.) learned how to fix myself in a way that actually works, or c.) latched onto cosmetics for dear life. While I can't really call myself a head-turner, I can confidently say that (on most days), I look like an actual human being. Yes, cosmetics helped me a lot, because they helped me look good on the outside when the inside was all bruised and broken.. and let me tell you something-- even if looks aren't everything, looking presentable actually does something to you. Yes, there are days when I feel like I've been struck by the Murphy Law of Beauty. I can't really explain it, but the feeling is basically like how our esthetics don't mesh well, and unfortunately for me, those days have been happening to me quite frequently lately. I blame stress, lack of sleep, and a general sense of tiredness. To spell things out, I haven't really been feeling my best. My eyebrows are everywhere, my eye bags look heavy, and my skin looks significantly rougher. Truth be told, I don't know where I'd be in life without L'Oreal, Maybelline, MAC, NYX, and Pink Sugar.. but I'm not really here to talk to you about make-up and cosmetics (at least not today). I'd much rather talk about strength and confidence. I'm currently on the tail end of what could possibly be the most stressful month of my entire life (so far). To say that I look haggard would be such an understatement, that I don't even know what word I'd use to describe myself at this point.. but you know what, I'm not backing down. If this were the last version of me before my latest update (haha), I would have crumbled at the first sign of discomfort, but this time, I'm not. I'm not inherently strong, but I'm trying to be. I have so many clouds of doubt hanging over my head, but I'm doing everything I can to see the sun. I get blinded from time to time by insecurity, but I'm fighting to see the light. And that, at least to me, is beautiful.

I know I look different, but if different means that I sacrificed looking cute in order to power through all the struggles, then I accept that wholeheartedly. I look different, but I hope that by different, I've become more beautiful.. In spite of looking not-so-beautiful. Hahahaha.