ME, WITHOUT YOU.

"Should I be insulted that you don't recognize your ex-girlfriend's voice on the phone?"

"No, your voice has changed through the years."

It's okay. 

It's okay that you don't recognize my voice. Actually, I don't even recognize myself anymore these days-- not on the phone, not in the mirror, not anywhere. I morphed into a version of me that's beyond recognition, and I'm not even sure if it's a good or a bad thing. There's so much of me that did not change, but  the tiny parts that did are the tiny parts I actually miss.

I used to complain that I never had my place in the sun, but now, I fight too hard for it that I rarely ever care anymore if I burn other people in the process. I'm a different person now-- I hold my own water, I try to put people in their places, I assert to the point of aggression. I'm a cold person now, very far from the warm girl you once loved. All these things, while knowing deep inside that it only takes the most superficial scratch to make me fall to pieces. Tell me-- What was it in me that made you love me so much? 

I saw pictures of our old school on Instagram just a few weeks ago. Where we became a couple looks the same, but where we broke up looks totally different. I can't help but wonder if there was some sort of symbolism behind it-- the beginning will stay the same, but the end has not been set in stone. 

I used to think of myself as your rose. I loved you, but I tormented you by wanting so much of your time and attention. Maybe I wanted more, maybe I needed more. The irony here is that we loved each other, but we were too young to really know how. I still think of myself as your rose, but as much as I was your rose, you were also mine. I'm sorry for leaving when things got difficult. I often wonder if my leaving was only the first step for me to find my way back to you.

We'll always hold the title of each other's first loves. I said before that I wanted both of us to have a second chance at a first love, but there's no replacing, is there? Because of how we cared for each other, there will never be another like you, nor will there ever be another like me. 

I wish I had been your pillar when you needed one. I wish I had been there to cheer you on through each of your successes. I wish we had been there for each other to share all the little details at the end of the day. 

I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I had to, because I needed to figure out the person I'm meant to be. The person I am today isn't the person you, I, or pretty much anyone would've expected, but this is how I turned out. 

This is the me that grew up, this is the me that became independent, this is the me that became brave. Unfortunately, this is the me that didn't survive the falling out of love-- this is me, the one without you.