Solitude, Revisited.

It's only been about four days, but I feel like I haven't spent time with my friends in ages! I know I sound like an absolute crazy person, but I really miss my lunch-mates. Lately, I've been feeling just tired. The feeling is quite difficult to explain, but I've pretty much been feeling like I've gotten run over by a truck. I've been taking mornings off by just resting at home, since I don't really need to be at school as often as I had to about a month ago. Yesterday, out of my seven ride-or-die friend group siblings, I only saw two. TWO! Onecky, inside a campus sidecar on the way to the clinics after lunch; and Kuya E, because I pranced into Dr. Raquel's class to share chocolate.

So, I spent a good fraction of the afternoon alone. "Studying".

I'm no stranger to solitude, or even loneliness, for that matter. I feel like when I spend time alone, I'm able to think more clearly, I can call whatever shots when I want to call them. I don't have any sort of aversion for human interaction (or at least I don't think I do), but I do, however, have a strong tendency for bubbly introversion. We all have our quirks, right?

For a long time, I had this "I'm allergic to human interaction" thing going on.

Oh yes, I got a relatively fair amount of studying done. I keep dragging my Orthodontics validation exam because I'm legitimately afraid of the ghost who lives in the Confession Room (okay, about this ghost-- there've been sightings, but I never really believed them until the Dean told me about a few manifestations he had). I mean, if the ghost would feed me answers, I'd be happy to be trapped in the Confession Room, but I highly doubt a ghost would be well-versed in the development of the face, cast analysis, cephalometric analysis (and three more topics).

I used to have a borderline unhealthy obsession with referencing Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. During my "I want to be alone"-phase, I felt safe. There's a certain feeling of safety and security from spending time alone. I think it stems from knowing that if you're alone, nobody can hurt you, nobody will leave you, this and that.

..only to find out that it is also possible to feel just as (and sometimes even more) safe and secure with people around. I'm a work in progress, and I know that I have the potential to implode at times. My friends widen my perspective about things, and I'm at my most secure now, knowing that I'll never have to go through my daily struggles alone anymore.

My friends make me feel like I could touch the sky, all while keeping me grounded. They don't feed illusions of grandeur, but they help me develop self-esteem, as well as esteem for others. I used to think that I was okay on my own, while that may still have a bit of truth in it, I think I'm better as part of a group. Much better. I feel like I've changed as a person since they came into the picture-- I've been more willing to accept other people's love without questioning motives, and I've never been as scholastically-motivated as I am now. Solitude, my old friend, my long-time best friend. You were the beautiful place that was once just exactly what I needed. You're a lovely place to visit, and revisit, but, uh.. No, thank you.

#UPHSDDentistry